Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Also in the "don't do this again" bin

Non-emergency plumbing repairs the day before Thanksgiving.  My nerves are extremely jangly after trying to disable the smoke detectors going off from all the soldering happening to repair and replace this manifold:
Pipes aren't supposed to be green.
The moisture/mold abatement team will be arriving shortly.  I expect we'll be dealing with fans/blowers and dehumidifiers for several days at least, but we should be able to deal with that. 

Monday, November 20, 2017

don't do this again...

Reminder to me: do not have a Thyrogen trial over Thanksgiving, even if you're not on the low iodine diet. 

I forget how many symptoms of hypothyroidism I get after the injections, namely:  muscle and joint pain, dry skin, feeling cold all the time, brain fog, deep and abiding fatigue (that one could just be because I don't get enough sleep), gastroparesis, sinus congestion, headache, ...

Yes, I'm blaming it all on the Thyrogen, which should clear my system over the next week or so, and then I'll be fine.  But having to deal with all these physical irritations when I want to be working in the kitchen is a drag.

I had my second blood test this morning, so technically, that's that.  The tech drew from the back of my right hand, and this afternoon it started itching something fierce, probably from the tape she used to secure the gauze over the injection site.  Fortunately that all settled down, because I can't deal with another something blowing up right now, even if it is minor.  Too much to do.

I want to peel the apples for the pies, but I have to enter grades, first.  And then go to bed at a decent hour and see if it helps!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

it's always the same

Or often, anyway.  Maybe not always.

I began this day exhausted because I slept from 9pm til midnight on the couch, and woke unfortunately refreshed and not feeling the immediate need for sleep.  Bed, finally, at 2, then up at 6.  The math is not in my favor.

At this point I'm keeping up with my lesson prep (everything's new in every class!  unfortunate synchronization!) but have not kept up with grading.  It could be worse, but I can blame my lost prep hour this morning for some of it.  A tiny fraction, but still, some.

Now again, I'll be up in 4 hours, without the benefit of the 3-hour-nap, because understanding how electromagnetic motors and generators work took me down several internet rabbit holes and came uncomfortably close to reminding me of freshman year physics at MIT, which I have repressed all these years.  I'm such a poser.  But, I can at least explain the basic principles to my students, which is all they need at this point.

Then there was the cooking for the staff potluck tomorrow...

The whole reason I'm still up and still floundering around is because I'm having my Thyrogen trial starting tomorrow and once again, for the eleventy-millionth time, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT.  Should've thought about that before I paid the hospital my $700+ patient portion, I suppose.  So, here's tomorrow (more accurately, slightly later today):
Get up at 5:30, drink approximately 60 ounces of water (not kidding)
6:30, leave for the lab
7:15 if I'm lucky, get my blood drawn, but I do have an appointment
7:45 be at school to start the day, having to pee every 15 minutes, thank God for first period prep
9-11 two lectures on electricity & magnetism
11:45-1:45 two lectures on energy transfer in the atmosphere and air currents
1:45-2:30 lecture on the apostles, Mary, & the early Church
2:30 drive to downtown Phoenix
3-ish (Google maps says it should only take 34 minutes at that time of day) register at the hospital
3:30ish get my first Thyrogen injection
3:35ish drive home
5:00 realistic time I will arrive home
5:02 fall asleep on the couch

I will have to drive up again after school on Friday for my second injection, then have to get up early again on Monday for labs again. 

I seriously detest this, so much that I'm wondering, how bad would be it if I just said, "No, thanks, not this year. How about, say, 2020?"  It's not like it's going to kill me, although I never did get clarification on whether or not I had the more aggressive variant (which, justifiably, actually could kill me).  What good are all these fancy genetic tests if I don't get them? hmmm.

Banner MDA finally, finally have an endocrine cancers department.  I'm going to ask my PCP for a referral over there.  I'd like to centralize my care somewhere the staff is kind and the scheduling actually works for me.  If I didn't have to drive all the way downtown, I'd feel a lot less hostile to this process.

What I hate the most: the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling.  It's only a matter of time until there is a recurrence.  Why else would we keep searching so diligently, year after year?

I do this to myself every single time -- I cannot recall an instance of just sailing through this process as if everything were fine -- and every time I get angry with myself for being so dramatic and whiny about it. 

Always the same.  By this time next week it will be all over, and I'll stop freaking out and everything will be fine.   Lord knows I don't want to go into Thanksgiving with this attitude.

Saturday, November 04, 2017

and just like that...

It's November -- DD's birthday, in fact, and she's out running around town with her friends.  One-third of the way through the school year, and things are going well. 

I have some kind of psychological hangover from last May's events, because any time something goes even slightly wrong at school, I get very anxious.  I blame myself for not seeing it coming, and I rack my brain trying to find some event or communication that I misinterpreted, but I'm still coming up empty.  So far the feedback I'm getting is positive, so I don't think I'm missing anything... but I'm still worried that I am.

DS2 has a choir concert this afternoon, and this evening DD's friends will be assembling again.  It's fun to have full house again.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

rough week

I spent the weekend in escapist pursuits - DH and I went to the movies twice - and struggled to settle into my usual groove of grading, planning, and entering grades.  It's a bit of a grind but usually I can plunk myself down in front of the NFL on Sunday and just power through it.

Just couldn't get there, though.  I feel unsettled and upset even though there is absolutely nothing unusual going on, and I didn't figure it out until today when I stopped to think about it.

Friday will be the second anniversary of Mom's death, and there are things that I'm still not over.  I suppose it will get easier with time, and most of the time I don't get into a funk like this, but I'm still struggling to understand why she had to suffer so much.  I get very angry at all sorts of medical-establishment people for what she went through.

Plus, my whole dynamic with my family is still screwed up.  A lot of my communication with my siblings worked around their schedule with Mom.  We could talk on those long drives back and forth from Boston, or while Mom was napping. Now everyone is always busy and the time zone difference just magnifies how disconnected I am from everyone and everything.

We didn't go to Massachusetts this year for a whole bunch of reasons involving time and money, and it seemed OK at the time. Even a couple of weeks ago it didn't cross my mind as a regret.  But this week, it just adds to my sense of disconnect from my family.

On the other hand, I think I'd be feeling even lower if I were still working at the charter school instead of my Catholic school, where everyone has already become my "work family" in two short months.  Even feeling as disturbed as I am right now, I can still count my blessings and appreciate what I have.  Of course being up this late is not helping (naps aren't really a great idea at 11PM...). I need to curb my self-destructive impulses.  I still have to be able to function, and falling apart isn't going to help. If I thought "having a good cry" would make me feel better, I'd do it, but it never works that way for me.

I wonder how long it will take for my brain to stop feeling broken over this.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

fly by posting...

Super busy, as usual -- but did finish my curriculum mapping last week, so there's that.

Now, it's just the usual lesson prep, planning, grading, etc.

I'm off to make seating charts, possibly my least favorite teacher-activity.

School is off to a very good start, though.  I'm actually using all the stuff I learned for my master's degree!  Amazing.  I'm trying not to let myself get too happy... it's still early in the year, I know.  But so far so good.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

My girl's gone

DH and I took DD to her college today, about 3 hours north of home.  The day was long anticipated.  The girl and I talked and planned and shopped and packed all summer, it seems.  We packed up the van last night and got up early this morning to avoid the traffic, and we set off.

The trip was uneventful.  The weather was gorgeous up there today, beautiful clear blue skies, light breeze, warm but not hot.

There was a bit of a fuss in figuring out where to park to reach her dorm, since it's in the middle of a large area near the quad, and has no actual roads going by it.  Later there was more bother trying to figure out how she's going to get to her new job from her dorm, because the way you would drive there (which we were doing) is not the same as how you would walk there, which is what she will do.

We unpacked everything, set up much, did a brief shopping run at Target, got some lunch... somehow we stretched it out to nearly 4PM (we'd arrived on campus just after 10AM), surely we didn't have to take so much time!  None of us minded, I think, because we knew when we drove away that it would be the longest time ever we would be apart.

I held her close when it was finally time to go, "Stay safe!"  She's tall, as tall as I am, but she's so slightly built.  I worry, especially since the campus is pretty empty right now: official move in dates don't start for a few days.  Her job wanted her up there a few days early for training, and we were quite happy to take her up on the weekend, so we wouldn't have to take time off from work...

I didn't really cry, but I am feeling that ache, nostalgia.  Time goes by so fast!  It seems we get so little time with our children, especially as they get older, and quoting Henry Jones, Sr: just when they're getting interesting.  I'm so happy for DD and excited for her to start this part of her life, especially in a place she loves so much.  But I'm feeling a bit mournful for the changes I'm facing, the things we used to do together that I'll be doing on my own now.  Of course I can plan the meals and do the grocery shopping, but DD's delight in these tasks was contagious.  She was thoughtful and often inspired, and the entire family benefited from it.

Of course we have been texting already, as there are a few things she left behind I will be mailing to her.  I know we'll keep in touch, and she'll be home for Thanksgiving (most likely not before.)  The time will go by quickly, as I have much to do, and in all honesty, it will be better for me to have fewer distractions around the house.  (Especially distractions that I know are leaving soon!)

Change is always hard, even when they are good.  DS2 is now our only-child-at-home, as DS1 headed back to campus last week, too.  I'm used to that, and he's less than thirty minutes away.   The house feels empty, and I'm thinking about how to cook and shop for only three people, only one of whom (me!) brings lunch from home to work.  It's going to take a little while for this new version of home life to feel normal, and for the nostalgia to fade back to its usually tolerable level.