Tuesday, September 26, 2017

rough week

I spent the weekend in escapist pursuits - DH and I went to the movies twice - and struggled to settle into my usual groove of grading, planning, and entering grades.  It's a bit of a grind but usually I can plunk myself down in front of the NFL on Sunday and just power through it.

Just couldn't get there, though.  I feel unsettled and upset even though there is absolutely nothing unusual going on, and I didn't figure it out until today when I stopped to think about it.

Friday will be the second anniversary of Mom's death, and there are things that I'm still not over.  I suppose it will get easier with time, and most of the time I don't get into a funk like this, but I'm still struggling to understand why she had to suffer so much.  I get very angry at all sorts of medical-establishment people for what she went through.

Plus, my whole dynamic with my family is still screwed up.  A lot of my communication with my siblings worked around their schedule with Mom.  We could talk on those long drives back and forth from Boston, or while Mom was napping. Now everyone is always busy and the time zone difference just magnifies how disconnected I am from everyone and everything.

We didn't go to Massachusetts this year for a whole bunch of reasons involving time and money, and it seemed OK at the time. Even a couple of weeks ago it didn't cross my mind as a regret.  But this week, it just adds to my sense of disconnect from my family.

On the other hand, I think I'd be feeling even lower if I were still working at the charter school instead of my Catholic school, where everyone has already become my "work family" in two short months.  Even feeling as disturbed as I am right now, I can still count my blessings and appreciate what I have.  Of course being up this late is not helping (naps aren't really a great idea at 11PM...). I need to curb my self-destructive impulses.  I still have to be able to function, and falling apart isn't going to help. If I thought "having a good cry" would make me feel better, I'd do it, but it never works that way for me.

I wonder how long it will take for my brain to stop feeling broken over this.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

fly by posting...

Super busy, as usual -- but did finish my curriculum mapping last week, so there's that.

Now, it's just the usual lesson prep, planning, grading, etc.

I'm off to make seating charts, possibly my least favorite teacher-activity.

School is off to a very good start, though.  I'm actually using all the stuff I learned for my master's degree!  Amazing.  I'm trying not to let myself get too happy... it's still early in the year, I know.  But so far so good.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

My girl's gone

DH and I took DD to her college today, about 3 hours north of home.  The day was long anticipated.  The girl and I talked and planned and shopped and packed all summer, it seems.  We packed up the van last night and got up early this morning to avoid the traffic, and we set off.

The trip was uneventful.  The weather was gorgeous up there today, beautiful clear blue skies, light breeze, warm but not hot.

There was a bit of a fuss in figuring out where to park to reach her dorm, since it's in the middle of a large area near the quad, and has no actual roads going by it.  Later there was more bother trying to figure out how she's going to get to her new job from her dorm, because the way you would drive there (which we were doing) is not the same as how you would walk there, which is what she will do.

We unpacked everything, set up much, did a brief shopping run at Target, got some lunch... somehow we stretched it out to nearly 4PM (we'd arrived on campus just after 10AM), surely we didn't have to take so much time!  None of us minded, I think, because we knew when we drove away that it would be the longest time ever we would be apart.

I held her close when it was finally time to go, "Stay safe!"  She's tall, as tall as I am, but she's so slightly built.  I worry, especially since the campus is pretty empty right now: official move in dates don't start for a few days.  Her job wanted her up there a few days early for training, and we were quite happy to take her up on the weekend, so we wouldn't have to take time off from work...

I didn't really cry, but I am feeling that ache, nostalgia.  Time goes by so fast!  It seems we get so little time with our children, especially as they get older, and quoting Henry Jones, Sr: just when they're getting interesting.  I'm so happy for DD and excited for her to start this part of her life, especially in a place she loves so much.  But I'm feeling a bit mournful for the changes I'm facing, the things we used to do together that I'll be doing on my own now.  Of course I can plan the meals and do the grocery shopping, but DD's delight in these tasks was contagious.  She was thoughtful and often inspired, and the entire family benefited from it.

Of course we have been texting already, as there are a few things she left behind I will be mailing to her.  I know we'll keep in touch, and she'll be home for Thanksgiving (most likely not before.)  The time will go by quickly, as I have much to do, and in all honesty, it will be better for me to have fewer distractions around the house.  (Especially distractions that I know are leaving soon!)

Change is always hard, even when they are good.  DS2 is now our only-child-at-home, as DS1 headed back to campus last week, too.  I'm used to that, and he's less than thirty minutes away.   The house feels empty, and I'm thinking about how to cook and shop for only three people, only one of whom (me!) brings lunch from home to work.  It's going to take a little while for this new version of home life to feel normal, and for the nostalgia to fade back to its usually tolerable level.

Monday, July 31, 2017

... and now it's gone

Having accomplished about 98% of what needed to be done in the house, post-flooring renovation, I stalled, big time.

I still haven't finished hanging the pictures in the stairwell.  Nor have I done the touch-up painting required in several rooms.  It will probably take less than an hour, but I still haven't done it. There's various stuff still scattered here and there around the house, still not put back in its proper place. I have also not painted DS2's room, but he hasn't been exactly jumping on that, either.  How long can you keep paint in a can before it becomes unusable?  At least I bought the paint on sale.  I have no doubt it will go on the walls eventually, it's just that we've all become extremely sedentary in these last few weeks of summer.

Technically, my summer's over.  I started at my new school today, pre-service teacher training; students won't start until August 9.  I'm nervous about starting over again, but it's a shorter day and I'm out of grad school, and I have minimal other responsibilities.

So, rather than finishing up those small tedious tasks, I have managed to do a few things, like re-upholster the dining room chairs. They are now kitchen chairs because we finally gave up on trying to fit at the smaller table and moved the dining room set into the kitchen.  I bought enough fabric and materials to make cushions for the chair backs, too, but I haven't made them yet.  Perhaps this weekend?

I've also been inordinately busy shopping with DD for her new life at college: bedding, room stuff, mini kitchen, cold weather clothes... the list is seemingly endless, but I think we're in good shape now.

Small victories:  I bought a square Lane coffee table for the family room and am just delighted with its clean lines.  And, I finally tracked down a replacement for a pottery piece that was originally a wedding present that I broke back in 2005:

It arrived today and I have this sense of an old wound finally healing.  I don't know why it bothered me so much but in 12 years I never completely forgot about it, and from time to time I would do a web search.  I was up stupidly late when I found it, but I had a sense that I would finally be successful if I just kept at it, and I was.

Other than shopping?  Reading.  DS2 recommended the first two books of Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight Archive, and I thought, "Sure, why not?"  Then I actually saw the books: at least 3 inches tall, roughly 1300 pages.  Each.   Of course I have no willpower regarding pacing myself while I'm reading, so I basically immersed myself in them and thoroughly enjoyed the process.   I think it took me about a week or so to read both books. I didn't do much else during that time, though!  But I can see why DS2 really liked them, and wanted me to read them.  Volume three comes out in November.   I will probably wait until Christmas to get a copy, though, since I'm not to be trusted with huge, engrossing volumes when I have serious work to do.

DS1 and I re-watched all the Harry Potter movies, which was especially fun because I'd just re-read all the books.  There were a number of things I hadn't noticed before.  I actually liked the two Deathly Hallows movies better than when I'd seen first them (not including the penultimate scene, about which the less said, the better.)

But now I'm back in work and have to switch over to school mode; DS2 goes back on Friday.  The two older kids are both moving to their respective colleges weekend after next: DS2 will be our last kid at home, two weeks from now.  How strange that will be!

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

summer's almost here

Signed my contract yesterday.  *whew*  Am now actively reprogramming my brain to prepare for the new school year, but fortunately, I don't report for orientation until the very end of July, and school begins in the second week of August.  Hooray for a more traditional school calendar!

The grand flooring project and its aftermath is just about finished.  There's still tape over the trim, but we'll take that off tomorrow, and then I'll post some photos.  The kids have been absolutely amazing with all that I have asked of them: sorting, packing, moving, sleeping in odd places, and then moving furniture back where it belongs and putting everything else away, too.  It may sound odd, but we had a spectacular trip to IKEA in which we found everything we needed and managed to get it all packed in the back of the van, and then unpacked immediately.  Before bed that night all the carpets were out, and before two days had passed all the furniture was assembled.

Temperatures outside have been at or over 110 degrees for more than two weeks running, so it's summer out there, but for me, not quite.  I need to muddle through a few more house things, and then I'll feel like I can really relax.  The flooring installation took all of last week, as opposed to the 2 days originally estimated; I took advantage of the stuck-at-home time by re-reading the Harry Potter series and am about two-thirds through book 7.  That is a mental vacation of sorts, but the later books are so much longer and more serious that I find I can actually put them down to do other things.

I think I have been so busy for so long that I don't really know how to relax. I keep having this feeling I'm supposed to be doing something.   I'm going to have to work on that.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

things are looking up

I've already had three interviews for my dream job.  I'm not going to say too much more about it, except this comment from a different perspective: It's not your plan, it's God's  plan.

So many people told me, on the terrible day when my contract was rescinded, that things happen for a reason, and that I would find something even better, and that I would be OK.  I have never, perhaps in spite of my faith, bought into the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy.  On the other hand, I do think God has a plan for me, I just don't always know what it is, and I'm fairly certain that there have been plenty of times when I haven't followed the path that would have kept me closer to that plan.

I don't think God is a manipulative jerk.  I have noticed, though, that at certain times in my life, I've made the same mistake repeatedly until some shocking event wakes me up to the fact that I am, in fact, doing something less-than-good.  I can't tell you how many times Pride goeth before the fall has echoed through head these past few weeks. All I can do is nod my head in agreement.

So I'm waiting to hear from the dream job, and holding off on completing my other applications for a little while.  I'm waiting for a letter of reference from my old principal to be able to complete those applications, anyway, and she just returned from her maternity leave and I'm sure she's swamped.  It's OK, there's still plenty of time before the next school year kicks into gear.

On a completely different note, this was great news today:

And finally, Goodwill came and picked up a ton (almost literally) of stuff we've purged in advance of getting our floors re-done next week.  We'll hit peak household disruption on Sunday, but the work should be finished by this time next week, and we'll begin the process of thoughtfully putting everything left back into the upstairs rooms. 

It's strange to be in AZ at this time of year, but I appreciate having the time to get this work done on the house, and I really appreciate not having any homework or classwork or any other sort of schoolwork to do!

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Now I get it

I asked for, and received today, a copy of my final performance evaluation, so I could understand why my contract was rescinded.  I really shouldn't have read it before bed, because of course I couldn't sleep afterwards.

I have never seen so many lies about me!  Things they said I did, and things they said I didn't do -- it's enough to make me wonder who actually wrote it.

Since it's much too late to talk about it, I took the time to write out my refutations.  I will think about how to send them in, too, since it pains me greatly to think of that document as part of my file, unanswered, as if I accepted it.

It seems to me as if it were purposely written so they could get rid of me... a hatchet-job, a witch hunt, whatever you want to call it.  But anyone who knew anything about my classroom practices would laugh to see some of the things they said, like I didn't enter my grades, or I didn't communicate with parents, or I didn't promote self-assessment among my students. My advice-to-parents succeeding in math letter is all about the need for self-assessment.  Clearly whoever wrote that performance evaluation had very little actual knowledge of my practices, which is not surprising since it was a rare day when we had anyone from admin show up in the junior high wing. They were too busy dealing with problems elsewhere in the building, and they knew we were fine, because we are all excellent teachers, including me.